Some things will take more getting used to than others.
My blog name? It's a good one.
Because seriously. That's how I feel right now.
I spoke at my first adult sunday school class this morning to start the support-raising thing. I gave my schpiel, me, Greece, human trafficking, pr0stitution, here's my neat prayer cards I made last week and the brochure and photo board I made at 3:00 this morning (thankful for 24 hour kinko's and CVS - the kinko's photo machine wouldn't read my flash drive).
One man listened thoughtfully. After I finished, and a few others asked questions, he raised his hand.
"I appreciate what you're doing," he said, "the ministry is important, you are obviously called there, and courageously following your calling, and the issue is a very serious one..."
But?
"But I can't help but think, have you thought about burn out? This is intense. You could be home in three months."
Have I thought about burn out. I am unable to recall his word-for-word statement, because it was a lot more foreboding than I captured here. Have I thought about burn-out!? Have I realized that I am inserting myself into one of the biggest evils in the world, into one of the darkest cities in the world, and doing it ALONE? Have I thought about the fact that single female missionaries on average last only 2 years on the field? Have I thought about the fact that I am going over there to try and create a network between all these organizations that are already working there - people who have been "doing this" for 10 years, 20 years, and why in the world would they listen to a 30 (almost) year old single girl who just got off the plane?!
Why didn't you say so??? How did this happen?????
So I'd say those thoughts have crossed my mind, but I would call them more "apprehensions" or "trepidations" or sometimes "terrors." Today after I finished in that class I went into the main service and sat outside the sanctuary listening to the end of the sermon and the closing songs and felt this all becoming very real. It definitely feels like a big strong movement in a direction, like a river, that I am just caught up in. Along for the ride. The ride of my life. The ride IS my life. I'm not sure how I got here, but it's a strong force going in a clear direction, so all I can do is hold on. I feel out of control of it, and not even in a peaceful "surrender" way. Obviously that's part of it, and I've done that, but it feels bigger than that. In an exciting way, an I-have-no-idea-what's-coming-but-I'm-going-to-keep-holding-on-tight-and-find-out way. (That was a lot of hyphens.)
The verse that I used to have in my blog header is Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord's purposes will prevail." It's that "along for the ride" feeling. I hope it's a good ride. It kind of freaks me out, but I hope it's a good one.
(P.S. I'll tell you about yesterday later.)
4 comments:
Thanks for sharing this Kels. Don't have much to say other than it really spoke to me.
I am so proud of you for stepping out in faith and allowing God to take you along for the ride of your life (literally!). I remember so many times as a youth director and teacher when the feelings of inadequacy or being completely overwhelmed would just overtake me. I was reminded by a friend that God doesn't call the equipped, but equips those He's called.
Reading your posts over the past months has always left me with a feeling that God has truly called you to this ministry and that He will equip, provide, protect, and surround you in the darkest places and horrible nights of your work because He's called you to do it.
Keep pressing on. Keep standing firm. You are on the ride of your life - and it's going to change lives for the better!!
Kelsey, I so love your blog and your open and honest heart and life! I see that God has been preparing you for this for a long time, and the rest of us get to grow with you as you grow. My dad told me recently that my struggles and challenges aren't just for my growth - they are for the growth of all those I share my life with. I think the same applies to you and all of us who know and love you! Thanks for being so transparent! Love, Rebekah C.
I love the title of your blog. It indicates to me that God is in your driver's seat. I heard someone say this week, "God doesn't quit what he has started." So, I am confident that he will sustain you for as long as you are called to this Greek portion of your life. And, if you need a break, I'll definitely make an effort to come out and visit sometime!
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