I think I am in shock.
When you finish grad school and then are expected to get on with life, and when you actually start getting on with life, all at once, seems like it could be a little overwhelming. Especially after 4.5 years of going to school and working at a church. Suddenly there is so much to learn and do. How do I respond? By getting overwhelmed and doing nothing. :)
So, let's review:
- I have a new job. It's a cause of not a little anxiety as I am trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing, and refresh my poor brain of its Spanish skills and learning new trafficking vocabulary in preparation for all these presentations I'm supposed to do.
- This new job is in the commercial sex industry (specifically, the "anti-" side), and I have no shortage of gross p0rn topics and pr0stitution issues and exploitation and hearing men talk about women in ways I never wanted to hear bombarding me from all sides. Usually I can keep it "academic" or disconnect myself from it. Every once in awhile it hits me deeply and causes a lot of emotion and stress. And disgust. And that feeling of being "slimed."
- I am teaching a girls' bible study that starts tomorrow night. I haven't thought about what I'm doing yet. That's a good teacher for you.
- I have insomnia again. :)
- I am still working at the church until next week.
- Oh yes, and I am supposed to be raising $3000 a month for my impending move (in 4 months) to Greece. I forgot about that part. And mentally preparing myself to be doing all this same stuff in a totally new and foreign context.
So how do I respond? By doing nothing. By secretly wishing that things would return to the way they were a few months ago. As much as I want to be tough and adventurous and strong and independent, there is a part of me (lots of me, at the moment) that wishes I didn't have to be. These are all good things, that I have wanted, and still want. I suppose the difficulty is that they are happening all at once. Without the new job, I could carry on doing familiar and easy things and prepare for Greece with a little less stress. But it's also teaching me a ton and preparing me in ways I wouldn't be prepared otherwise. Without moving to Greece, I could focus on the new job 100% and dedicate all my time to it. But I remember being excited about moving to Greece, so that's not the right answer either! :)
I don't know what else to do besides pick myself up and charge ahead. Feign excitement until it is genuine again. Focus and take it a day at a time. Let myself have my meltdowns and move on.
I did meet with Sandie on Saturday and got a lot of things squared away for Greece. Things are coming together. Aparments are being scouted out for me in Athens, people are preparing for me to be there. It IS exciting! I wish I could think about it more. Thankfully I have other people who can help me with this ball (speaking in juggling terms) at this time.
Why is it so hot in California? And in my apartment??
2 comments:
You're doing great! Change is inevitable, and though hard, stressful, and confusing at times, my experience with change is that it's good: Change teaches us something, offers us new experience and perspective, and helps us grow. I'm praying for you!
Everyone said it was hot today. I didn't leave my apartment until 10 p.m. but it certainly wasn't hot where i was, and i drank 6 cups of tea! :)
Kelsey, you're amazing! I hate changes, i hate having lots of them all at once, and i sabotage myself. You don't seem to be doing that. ;-) I'm glad you're not beating yourself up over the meltdowns--you're right, let yourself have them, then move on. I'm praying for you, too. :)
Post a Comment