...and what I'm most looking forward to

These are the things that are going to make me feel right at home in the next few months!

English! - there might be an accent and they might say funny things, but I'll take it. Shopping in English, church in English, eavesdropping in English, instruction manuals in English, customer service in English...THANK YOU!!!!!

Driving - even if it's on the wrong side of the road. It means I am free to come and go as I please. I am not at the mercy of striking transportation workers, I don't have to carry 12 bags of groceries on the long walk home, and I can leave the perimeters of the city center WHENEVER I WANT!

Real grocery stores - big, beautiful, and almost anything I want. I can't even imagine.

English - it's a really big deal.

Restaurant variety - Thai, Indian, attempted Mexican, even Greek if I need it ... I want it all!!

And, well...
:)

Well hi!

I am sitting inside as it pours rain and thunders and lightnings outside with ferocity! (I hope that is a word!) Lovely to be in a winter storm, knowing my compadres in Greece and the US are still enjoying nice warm summer weather (it's ok, I am in Australia!). :) We did have nice weather in Sydney last week though.

I am staying with Andrew's sister and her husband, and spend much of the mornings on my own while everyone is at work. As I have some down time here in Adelaide to think and pray and dream, I'm feeling good about the next couple of months. I know God has closed some doors in Greece, so looking forward, I feel excited about possibilities here. Obviously Andrew is here, which is a big draw ;) ... but also I am excited about the IT national director's heart for justice and her desire to see how we can begin to use our gifts and resources here.

As I know more, I'll fill you in, and ask for more specific prayer! For now, here are some photos of Sydney last week, including the Opera House from every possible angle, and some shots from our adventures to Manly and Bondi Beach... It's a beautiful city - and I'll be back soon...

Ha ha, Andrew hates this photo, but I love it:

(We had great weather - a far cry from what I'm listening to now as the sky unleashes its vengeance - but it's a perfect day for hot chocolate and a movie! There are good things about winter.) :)

I'm here...down "undah"

And I'm even eating a Tim Tam. How very Australian.

So...I arrived, here in the country/continent of my possible future residence. Freak me out. It's winter, and I'm freezing all the time. When you leave 100 degree temps you pack the coats and sweaters but forget about little things like scarves, gloves, etc. So we've spent a couple days getting me all set up with the misc. items I didn't bring, meeting people, and wandering around Adelaide.

It's funny to look at people and realize they are all speaking English. Just a bit differently. But I can understand them! I am still getting used to throwing my toilet paper in the toilet, and I continue to try to enter the car on the wrong side (and look the wrong way before crossing the street). I feel a bit backwards and upside down, but in many ways it feels like home (in the USA sense of the word).

We leave for Sydney on Monday. I'll spend a day with Janice, the IT Australia president, and together we'll have several meetings with prospective coworkers and others who have expressed interest in working with the anti-trafficking ministry. The two following days I'll go to a social justice conference with her, put on by the Salvation Army (the "Salvos" - Australian abbreviations for everything, coming in another post!!). That will be good for meeting a lot of people and networking. Andrew is working five days in Sydney so I'll have some time to explore and be with Janice and others. It will be interesting being there, as that is the city that I would be living in and the people I'd be working with...so hopefully next week I'll be able to get a good feel for it and a sense as to whether it could feel like home.

Knowing my world could be (literally) upside down as soon as October still feels like a foreign concept. It's a lot of change to process all at once, so I think my brain is just avoiding it at the moment! .....

This is Andrew.

He found my blog the other day, which caused me (us) to go alllllllllllllllllll the way back to 2006 (!) and look at some of the earlier postings I made, way back then, in my youth. I had an obsession a totally healthy fervor for working out and counting calories. I wrote about a lot more spiritual things. I was SO BUSY. This makes me look at my couple of hours of teaching a day these past few weeks and my resulting exhaustion with a small amount of feeling pathetic. (Except, way back then, it wasn't 100 degrees all the time and I didn't have several looming major life changes and I wasn't working until 4am three nights a week and there weren't a bunch of interns needing help navigating through a country I don't even know that well myself! Ok, I'm off the hook.)Andrew got to come in May, and we did it all - an island, Corinth, lots of ancient Greek stuff and plenty of yummy food. He brought me a kangaroo and a boomerang. And in a couple weeks I shall again be in his presence in his natural habitat ... Australia. I'm still trying to think of something very Greek to bring along. Ouzo? The acropolis?This trip will include several days in Sydney visiting with the president of ITeams Australia, to discuss the possibility (which seems to be a probability at this point, unless I totally hate it there, a distinct possibility since it will be the dead of winter [ha, just KIDDING]) of moving down there to help them set up their anti-trafficking ministry. They are in the networking, awareness and training phase, quite similar to the job I had with Salvation Army in Los Angeles, with partnerships being formed around the country and into Thailand and Cambodia.

Who knew joining ITeams would prove to be such an intercontinental adventure? Um, I didn't. I guess it really is about following WHEREVER God leads, however unexpected the circumstances may be. Might have been simpler for him to just move me straight to Australia, but I would have missed out on so much here in Greece. Plus, I never would have gone to Australia back then... ;)

[somewhat disjointed] thoughts on leaving

I didn't go running tonight, like I was (noncommittally) thinking about doing. I sat on my couch reading blogs, in the dark, and ate. Chocolate. A whole freaking bar of chocolate. And a small plate of nachos. That little salad with carrots and beets and a little grilled chicken and balsamic vinegar? Never saw the light of day.

I feel like I haven't blogged in a long time. Like, really blogged. Wrote about feelings and thoughts and stuff. Which is fine; most of those things don't necessarily need to be for public consumption. I guess I wrote a post a few below about indifference vs. passion and things like that, in which I included an obligatory "but I'm a missionary" happy, moral ending. Good for me.

So, anyway, I might leave Athens. Not sure on the if/when, but it's something I'm beginning to process and understand more the more I feel I'm settling back in here. Like yesterday I had to call the phone company and ask why my phone/internet weren't working. The girl didn't speak English so I got the whole thing done in Greek. Ok, so I didn't understand half the words she said, but I got the drift, and we figured it out, and today it's all back and functional. And I'm having a good time with my friends here. It feels like home more than anywhere else does at the moment, I'm learning to get around (though that's not without its frustrations, still), and I have good relationships. Also, have you seen Greek beaches??

But those aren't the reason I'm here ... it's the work. And it's the work part that might be moving me on. Exciting, new opportunities, ones that might possibly reignite my passion somehow and be a better fit for my skills, etc., but ones that aren't here. Of course, there are a lot of pieces to this puzzle, and that will all come out over the next couple months, but for now I'm still sitting on my couch in Greece surrounded by my own crap (stuff! books, mail, bags, nail polish, half empty glasses, papers, that chocolate wrapper, a stuffed kangaroo ... what crap were you thinking about?) pondering how quickly life can change and what it could mean to start life over ... again ... in a third country...

I have melted chocolate on my arm. Awesome. And I thought it was all gone.

6 months cont'd (for lack of a better title)

Funny, as I have been thinking about this and writing it this week I've been having some retroactive stress or something. Since I've been back from France I feel like I've been getting the minimum done and can't do much more. I think the last month and a half - moving, traveling, buying all furniture and appliances, figuring out how to pay rent, bills, etc. in Greek, not having things delivered on time, preparing for and teaching this class each week, organizational-relational issues and confrontations, added to just generally living in a foreign place - have added up to quite a bit of stress that I "successfully" managed to stuff deep down inside by not thinking about any of it. I guess yesterday, when I pretty much didn't leave the couch all day, means it's catching up to me!?

A visiting friend last week said, "Clearly you're under quite a bit of stress." Whatever, I don't get stressed, I thought. Nevermind that I just freaked out that you left my living room window open as we left the house for the day (don't you KNOW that people BREAK IN to HOUSES here?!?!). Ok, maybe a little stress. :)

Moving right along...6 months - wow, right? It's gone so fast. Feels like a few days and an eternity all at once.

4. Ministry. I must say it really helps me to sit down and write my monthly update letters. (Hmm, speaking of which, I need to get on that for May!) It reminds me how much we have going on after only six months. It's been a challenge finding our place here, figuring out what we're doing and what we're going to focus on and how to interact with others. I had always planned to spend my first year meeting people, learning how things work here, and learning Greek. I can safely say I've been accomplishing those things - so the other things are little bonuses. We're doing our Hands That Heal training for the second time and have had some other awareness speaking engagements and events. Raising awareness about human trafficking and prostitution is a big job here, and will take a collaborative effort. I've also enjoyed volunteering with Nea Zoi (New Life) doing outreach to the women and men on the streets and in brothels, and look forward to being more involved with them this summer. On the horizon...organizing a possible international conference, more trainings, and many other awareness events.

5. Culture. Oh, the Greeks. :) I used to catch myself rolling my eyes or shaking my head at people who did not conform to my American standards of how to walk correctly (straight!) on a busy sidewalk, how to stand in line, how to get things done in the most efficient manner, RSVPing, saying "thank you," planning in advance, not talking about people's weight and how much they make, etc. It's easy to lump everyone into the category "The Greeks" (in that tone) when you don't speak their language and everything is foreign. From time to time God brought human contact with real Greek people into my life to remind me that they are people too. :) Ha ha. But really, you just learn to roll with the punches. I have found myself adapting in funny ways - learning when it's ok to be 20 minutes late (and being 20 minutes late!), staying up late at a cafe with friends (I am still not sure if anyone actually works here), eating lunch at 4pm. Many things still baffle me and I know I will never fully fit in. I use that as license to wear flip flops (they don't) and speak English when I need to, but for the most part I do my best to adapt and keep learning. There are so many great things to learn, experience, and take part in, so aside from a few major anxiety-inducing events, it's been pretty smooth. :)

6. Long term plans?? Oh, wouldn't you like to know. I will at least be here through next March since that's when my lease on my apartment ends (actually it's two years, but we added a clause that I can leave after a year without penalty). I plan to come home for Christmas, and I'm at that point where I'm praying about staying longer here. There really is much to be done, and as things slowly start to fall into place and I can see a role for myself longer than one year, it begins to seem more like a reality. We'll see - keep it in prayer for me if you think of it. It involves raising more support when I'm back in the States, too, which is another factor. But really, I can see myself here for awhile and I'd like to try, if that's in The Plan. We'll see.

All in all, I think we're doing ok. :)

finally..........

Well, first of all, if you haven't read it in any of my other communication mediums (sheesh), I have been ok'ed to get a ticket to Athens!!! (If you don't get my Greece update emails, and want to [that's the key], let me know.) For now, you can read about it here, and I will elaborate later on the high levels of anxiety and stress that immediately overtook me. :)

I woke up today with great anticipation for my discussion with Jean and Sandie, and felt like I couldn't take hearing another "not yet" ... I know I would have managed and trusted if that was the answer, but it wasn't. Jean definitely wants my support to be higher, but we feel like it's ok to go ahead with the departure plans at this point. I have a few meetings in the next month with possible supporters and I'm just going to be praying hard. Blech - asking for money (or even implying that you need some) is no fun.

Wow. I am leaving in less than a month. I need some time to wrap my brain around that one...!! Relief, excitement, a little fear...lots of feelings in there!

**
Update on Nick: he is out of the ICU tonight, in a normal room, and in a little less pain today. Still has several days in the hospital ahead of him as they try and figure out what is going on...

This is depressing.

Mom's here this weekend (not the depressing part) and we are packing up the apartment. It's very sad. I am actually having a really difficult time! Maybe it's partially the unknown and the fact that I don't know what's to come, but also, we have LOVED living here and I feel like all my community and friends are here. So saying goodbye to this apartment and eventually Southern California is proving to be tough for me. Part of me wants to hang all the pictures back up and unpack the boxes and never leave. I know Kristin would be happy with that idea. :)

steps in the right direction...

How quickly things can shift! In the last three days, things have changed so much that I am actually being forced to wrap my head around possibly moving to Greece very soon. Imagine that!

Sunday: I spoke at Nick's church, where a woman who is leaving soon for three months in Spain offered her house to me to housesit for as long or as short as I need it. Free housing, yes please.

Monday: Unofficially (so don't quote me yet; I haven't gotten an official statement, but going off what people have told me they sent in) I hit 80% of the funds I need before I can book my plane ticket. 80%!!! (And 70% of the desired total.) We are getting there!

Tuesday: Yesterday out of the blue I was offered a short term "job" coordinating volunteers for the One Heart Campaign. This is through the Orange County Human Trafficking Task Force, which is creating a short video to be shown in 1000 churches in Orange County on the national human trafficking awareness day, January 11. I had said I could volunteer my time, but now they are going to pay me to help with the marketing and distribution. It should last about 4 weeks. I can't complain about that; in fact, a much appreciated blessing!

It seems to be the encouragement I need that things are moving in the right direction. I'm thankful today, and a little wistful too, as we plan to give our 30 days notice at our beloved apartment today and make plans for the next phase of life.

We are getting there! :)

my year in review (why wait for the new year?)

The last year has been a little crazy...was just thinking about all that's happened and where I've been!

Oct 07 ~ My grandpa died, trip to Seattle for his funeral and time with family

Nov 07 ~ I broke my rib! and traveled to the Bay Area for Thanksgiving with Ramesh & Janell

Dec 07 ~ Back to Seattle for Christmas with fam, and then...
Dec/Jan 08 ~ Off to Israel! I was looking at my pics today and reminiscing...what a great trip that was. I really had a great time that month with the group, my roomie (Kim), and I LOVE the country. I think I could live there! Or at least go back.

Feb 08 ~ Home for the month, but started talking to a few different groups about possibilities in Greece...

Mar 08 ~ Went to Greece! What a whirlwind "scouting trip."

Apr 08 ~ Lots of confusion and let-down (and resulting personal growth, I guess!), and the college retreat to Big Bear (have I mentioned I love college students)

May 08 ~ My answer comes about Greece for at least a year, I get the job @ Salvation Army and quit at the church after almost 5 years, and graduate from seminary!

June 08 ~ Totally overwhelmed with new job. Who thought giving presentations in Spanish was a good idea!?

July 08 ~ Celebrated my birthday with friends and went home again to Seattle for time with family and old friends.

Aug 08 ~ Went to Lake Tahoe for a much needed vacation with Ramesh & Janell again.

Sept 08 ~ New York with Kristin! Fun, fun trip. I think I'm still recovering. End of Salvation Army job.

Now, how did it get to be October already???

I met with Sandie and Jean from Lydia Today this morning and we laid out a few job description items and financial & insurance-related things I need to be doing. I am also going to be involved with the Orange County Task Force's video that they are producing for Jan 11 '09, which is National Human Trafficking Awareness Day, as well as several other events and projects, so that will keep me busy. As will everything else I'm already involved in...though it still feels like I have all this time. It's actually...nice. And so very foreign feeling! I don't think I have EVER had a break longer than a week from work AND school. It's so fun to be able to be involved in the things I WANT to be doing. So, I'm anxious to get to Greece, that's for sure, but at least I have things to do while I'm here. Good things. :)

The Waiting Game: Day 1

At the Angels game with the girls yesterday :)

I am officially unemployed. The grant ends tomorrow, but I finished up all my work this weekend and just sent off my final report. Friday I had a conference call with our grant manager and a grantor; they wanted any suggestions I had for them going into Year 3 of the grant, and expressed that they were really pleased with my work and were sad to see me go. That was nice...I was encouraged, and I feel like I have great connections here for when I come back.

Coming back from New York last week I was trying not to feel discouraged as I enter this in-between time. Between a really, really discouraging interaction with someone in Greece who I'd hoped (and still hope) to work with, and not having all the financial support in yet, I've been a little disheartened. I said a long time ago that when I go to Athens, I want to be 100% certain that it's God taking me there, and not my own desires, because when bumps come in the road, I will need that assurance so that I don't question what I'm doing. Already I've had to fall back on that; sometimes it just seems like it would be easier to give up. But I'm confident in what I'm doing and where I'm going; when I think about each fear or doubt or disappointment I have, it can be put to rest through prayer, preparation, and trust. I know I am going ahead with exactly what I'm supposed to be doing.

So, today is the first day that I have nothing. I have a lot of cleaning and sorting to do that should keep me busy for awhile. I need to buy a whiteboard and just make lists of everything that I need to do for the move, even if I don't know when that is happening. I will get my last paycheck on Friday, so I need to consider housing and other things over the next couple months or however long I'm here.

I spoke at a class at church yesterday and some seasoned missionaries were prayed for at the beginning of class. They left for the field (Africa) last night and have a lot of unknowns that they are going back to. They read a quote about Waiting, about being present and seeing what God has during the waiting time. This time is important for growth or learning or whatever the case may be; it's important not to miss out on what He is doing during these times of waiting and uncertainty. I have a lot going on still; Bible study, college group, a college girls' life group, outreach, etc. Lots to focus on, learn from, and grow from. I'm hoping to soak it all up while I have the opportunity.

foretaste? & some highlights

If you haven't figured it out, I'm in New York. Kristin and I booked some tickets a couple months ago with frequent flyer miles and here we are! We're staying in a little brownstone on the upper east side, near Central Park. In only a few days we have become quite proficient at the subway system, and can I say, I LOVE THE SUBWAY SYSTEM. We can get ourselves anywhere in Manhattan within 15-20 minutes. Sunday we got ourselves to Brooklyn and down to Coney Island. (We went to the Brooklyn Tabernacle for church today - the choir was fab and Jim Cymbala was...well, I was really tired from not enough sleep this whole week, so if I weren't struggling to keep my eyes open...I'm sure he was great!)Coney Island

Being here has given me very mixed feelings about the fact that my move to Athens could be very near (a little over a month). On one hand, it's been exciting to be in the city, figure out transportation, feel like I am conquering the uncertain and growing more confident. I know after a couple weeks in Athens I'll be feeling more comfortable with my surroundings, like I have after only a couple days here. It's also crazy how alone you can feel with a huge city bustling all around you. People come and go, rush and hurry, and at times it can seem hard to slow down and be part of a community or make friendships.

We have done so much in the last couple days, we can cross nearly everything off our list. I will have to get to some of those in a later post. We have also partaken in things that weren't on our list...like this huge beacon, calling Kristin home:

Or this... First, have you seen stories of the world's shortest man? When he met the woman with the world's longest legs?

(Earlier this week, in London - AP photo)

(Do not get me started on how disturbed I am by any 20 year old male standing under a girl wearing a skirt! Whose idea was that!?!?) Anyway, the other day we were coming out of the NYC library, and there was a huge ruckus on the steps below us. A big crowd was gathering, and people were taking pictures, like the paparazzi. Well, it was this little guy...grasping the hand of his "attractive female escort," (said the news story), not because he was shy or intimidated or as I was prone to think, being exploited!, but because "he has a thing for the ladies."

Outside the NYC public library

Now does the picture of the long legged girl disturb you any more? His brother in law tells reporters that he likes the attention. And that he has a girlfriend back home. This was Kristin's highlight of that day, by the way. Kristin, who made us stop at all the weirdest roadside attractions on our Grand Canyon trip last year. (Sacred white buffalo, anyone?)

What about getting married???

If I had a dime for every time I've been asked this in the last couple of months, I'd have ... 40 cents.

Still, that's a lot, don't you think? When something like that hasn't really been on my mind and obviously hasn't really shaped the direction of my life thus far (so why should it now)?

I feel totally self conscious writing about this and putting it on the World Wide Web, but I had a great lunch yesterday with a girl I met at school who is in her 30s, single, and who recently spent 3 years in India. It was a really encouraging and helpful time for me, talking about logistics and specific things to focus on in prayer and how to keep myself from burning out or being overwhelmed or discouraged by the life I'll be entrenched in in Athens. We also talked about being single overseas.

I've never wrestled with this issue much. I've never wanted to be that girl who pines away or only wants a wedding in life or talks about marriage and relationships all the time. I think God has accomplished a lot in my life with my being single, including going to Greece. I like being self-sufficient and I'm proud of the things I've accomplished while on my own. My friend reminded me though that these "values" of being autonomous and independent, while not negative in themselves, are not biblical in the context of relationships. That playing into that "I don't need anyone" place where individual strength is wrongly emphasized is not how it's meant to be.

As I've learned over the last few months, underneath the external image I have of independence and self-reliance is a bit of a lack of faith and self-protection against disappointment. I realized a few months ago that it is easier for me to trust God in every other area of my life...even in his sending me overseas...than in the area of marriage. I've been challenged about this by a few people over the summer.

I feel ridiculous writing about this. I have a hard time when people have these conversations all the time. But I've been realizing that my view of God in this area is warped. I'm trusting him and asking boldly for him to meet financial and other needs as I prepare to move to Greece, and if it doesn't happen, I'll trust his plan for whatever does happen. Shouldn't it be the same in that area? It's not like it's a prize for those who are particularly deserving (marriage). I guess it's really a gift that he desires to give to people who he created to desire it and have needs met by it. I should have the same kind of trust for that that I do for support and everything else that I have faith for.

I better stop writing now before I make myself sick. :) I'm going to Greece, and I don't see that as giving up on anything. I think God can answer that question however he wants (the title question), wherever I am, whenever he wants. Whether or not I am as concerned with it as everyone else is. :)

dream

I have an email pasted into my journal from March 12 that caught my eye last night. It is from a dear friend who had had a dream about/for me, and she emailed it to me from where she was at the time, in Switzerland. At that point in my life, I was about to visit Greece for the first time, with thoughts and questions about a possible move there. After I got back, that door totally closed, and then reopened, and now I am in fact preparing to move.

So I reread this dream last night in light of this and it brought tears to my eyes!

"I dreamed I visited you...you had just moved into a new apartment...by yourself. Boxes were still left half unpacked, it was a bit messy, and it was clear you had just moved there. I asked if you liked it better there, and you said 'yes.' Then I was surprised to see bright Christmas lights of many different colors all around your apartment...and in the center of a bedroom was a christmas tree which was also lit up, though it was not Christmas. The tree was modest but not prominent, in the center of the room...

"...I think that the 'move' is not just to a new place but your life. You clearly made this life change on your own, but where you end up is new and better/nicer. Obviously from your response in the dream you like it better. The half unpacked boxes may represent that it will take time for you to completely settle in...the many strands of bright lights were the main colors of the rainbow...which signifies the promise(s) of God in your new life. The prominence of the Christmas tree in the center of the bedroom (a strange place for a Christmas tree) signifies the centrality of the intimate worship of Christ in your new life."

We will have to see what comes to pass. :)

if only I didn't have to work...

I've already said it, but it's so much easier to think about and look forward to Greece when I don't have other things to think about!! :) I am hoping, after my job with the Salvation Army ends at the end of September, that I can take at least a month to get myself ready to go. With larger organizations, future "missionaries" are put through months of training in cross-cultural issues, culture-specific training, language acquisition, etc. I am the first person ever to be "sent" by Lydia Today, so we are making it up as we go along. It will really be like I am plucked out of one life and dropped into another. So several weeks of transition time would be good.


We had family and friends over this evening to eat Greek food and talk about what I'll be doing. It was really good to talk about it. I had been trying to work a bit while I was up here (for my real job), but Thursday I gave that up, and I've been able to relax more and think ahead ever since. So tonight I was prepared to discuss, answer questions, and even look forward to what is coming in just a few months!


A family friend came tonight who lived in Athens for 4 years and worked with many of the people I'll be working with. It was so good to talk about it with her. She helped answer some questions about Greece and pr0stitution there. I think I made her miss Athens a bit. :) It was just a good evening for me to be able to be excited and have positive feedback and look forward to this.


P.S. Happy birthday Mom! (With Travis at his graduation last year. The beard is long gone, by the way.)

omg, I need to go swimsuit shopping!

People ask a lot of questions I don't know the answers to. It's becoming kind of draining. I don't have all the details about Greece, I don't know all the answers they want, and I am fine with that...but there are always more questions.

Someone asked today if I am "just soooo excited"? I told her I haven't really had a chance to think about it much. She thought that was weird. She wanted me to say yes, I'm so excited! and then to go off and live my glamorous exotic life on a Greek island wearing my swimsuit all the time. I know that's what she wanted, because she said "you're going to need like 12 swimsuits for Greece!"

For the record: No, I do not know what I'm going to do with my car while I'm gone. Or my cell phone. I don't have an apartment or know where I'm going to live in Athens. It will get worked out, but I just haven't had a chance to think about these things. I don't know the answers.

And I'll just be honest: NO, I'm not excited right now. If people want to think my life is going to be all blue water and white rooftops and the acropolis and feta, that's fine I guess. What I think about is leaving my friends, familiarity, certainty. I think about being single overseas, and having to rebuild community. And no, I'm not excited about that, not at all.

So I'm feeling a teensy bit tired of being asked all these questions that I have no answers to, and trying to act excited for other people.

Don't stop asking me questions - it helps me to think about the transition and what's coming. Just don't be disappointed if I don't have it all thought through and planned, or I don't have the response you want.

along for the ride

Some things will take more getting used to than others.

My blog name? It's a good one.

Because seriously. That's how I feel right now.

I spoke at my first adult sunday school class this morning to start the support-raising thing. I gave my schpiel, me, Greece, human trafficking, pr0stitution, here's my neat prayer cards I made last week and the brochure and photo board I made at 3:00 this morning (thankful for 24 hour kinko's and CVS - the kinko's photo machine wouldn't read my flash drive).

One man listened thoughtfully. After I finished, and a few others asked questions, he raised his hand.

"I appreciate what you're doing," he said, "the ministry is important, you are obviously called there, and courageously following your calling, and the issue is a very serious one..."

But?

"But I can't help but think, have you thought about burn out? This is intense. You could be home in three months."

Have I thought about burn out. I am unable to recall his word-for-word statement, because it was a lot more foreboding than I captured here. Have I thought about burn-out!? Have I realized that I am inserting myself into one of the biggest evils in the world, into one of the darkest cities in the world, and doing it ALONE? Have I thought about the fact that single female missionaries on average last only 2 years on the field? Have I thought about the fact that I am going over there to try and create a network between all these organizations that are already working there - people who have been "doing this" for 10 years, 20 years, and why in the world would they listen to a 30 (almost) year old single girl who just got off the plane?!

Why didn't you say so??? How did this happen?????

So I'd say those thoughts have crossed my mind, but I would call them more "apprehensions" or "trepidations" or sometimes "terrors." Today after I finished in that class I went into the main service and sat outside the sanctuary listening to the end of the sermon and the closing songs and felt this all becoming very real. It definitely feels like a big strong movement in a direction, like a river, that I am just caught up in. Along for the ride. The ride of my life. The ride IS my life. I'm not sure how I got here, but it's a strong force going in a clear direction, so all I can do is hold on. I feel out of control of it, and not even in a peaceful "surrender" way. Obviously that's part of it, and I've done that, but it feels bigger than that. In an exciting way, an I-have-no-idea-what's-coming-but-I'm-going-to-keep-holding-on-tight-and-find-out way. (That was a lot of hyphens.)

The verse that I used to have in my blog header is Proverbs 19:21, "Many are the plans in a man's heart, but the Lord's purposes will prevail." It's that "along for the ride" feeling. I hope it's a good ride. It kind of freaks me out, but I hope it's a good one.


(P.S. I'll tell you about yesterday later.)

the weird dichotomy that will soon be my life

I'm moving to Greece soon, y'all. I sometimes get people starting to say something like "Wow, must be rough," until I tell them what I'm doing there. Then it's different. And I start to wonder with them what I'm getting myself into...

change is overrated

I spent most of this weekend lying listlessly on the couch or on my bed. Eating pinkberry. And watching TV (I never watch TV).

I think I am in shock.

When you finish grad school and then are expected to get on with life, and when you actually start getting on with life, all at once, seems like it could be a little overwhelming. Especially after 4.5 years of going to school and working at a church. Suddenly there is so much to learn and do. How do I respond? By getting overwhelmed and doing nothing. :)

So, let's review:

• I have a new job. It's a cause of not a little anxiety as I am trying to figure out what the heck I'm doing, and refresh my poor brain of its Spanish skills and learning new trafficking vocabulary in preparation for all these presentations I'm supposed to do.
• This new job is in the commercial sex industry (specifically, the "anti-" side), and I have no shortage of gross p0rn topics and pr0stitution issues and exploitation and hearing men talk about women in ways I never wanted to hear bombarding me from all sides. Usually I can keep it "academic" or disconnect myself from it. Every once in awhile it hits me deeply and causes a lot of emotion and stress. And disgust. And that feeling of being "slimed."
• I am teaching a girls' bible study that starts tomorrow night. I haven't thought about what I'm doing yet. That's a good teacher for you.
• I have insomnia again. :)
• I am still working at the church until next week.
• Oh yes, and I am supposed to be raising $3000 a month for my impending move (in 4 months) to Greece. I forgot about that part. And mentally preparing myself to be doing all this same stuff in a totally new and foreign context.

So how do I respond? By doing nothing. By secretly wishing that things would return to the way they were a few months ago. As much as I want to be tough and adventurous and strong and independent, there is a part of me (lots of me, at the moment) that wishes I didn't have to be. These are all good things, that I have wanted, and still want. I suppose the difficulty is that they are happening all at once. Without the new job, I could carry on doing familiar and easy things and prepare for Greece with a little less stress. But it's also teaching me a ton and preparing me in ways I wouldn't be prepared otherwise. Without moving to Greece, I could focus on the new job 100% and dedicate all my time to it. But I remember being excited about moving to Greece, so that's not the right answer either! :)

I don't know what else to do besides pick myself up and charge ahead. Feign excitement until it is genuine again. Focus and take it a day at a time. Let myself have my meltdowns and move on.

I did meet with Sandie on Saturday and got a lot of things squared away for Greece. Things are coming together. Aparments are being scouted out for me in Athens, people are preparing for me to be there. It IS exciting! I wish I could think about it more. Thankfully I have other people who can help me with this ball (speaking in juggling terms) at this time.

Why is it so hot in California? And in my apartment??

I GOT THE JOB!!

I just got the phone call -- I got the Salvation Army job!!!

The Trafficking Outreach and Training position is only temporary, it goes through September, which is when I'm hoping to leave for Greece. The timing is perfect. The job is perfect; I will be able to learn so much before I leave to do almost the same exact thing in Athens!

I'm a little in shock; it pays well over what I am making now, and they said I can work up to 30 hours a week if I want to. I set my own hours. Part of the job is doing outreach with an organization in LA that I was planning to start working with anyway - now I'll be paid for it!!!

Wow. Wow. Wow. :) When God is ready to move, he doesn't delay, does he?? I'm in awe right now.

So...the last couple weeks have been a little crazy!?