To go, or not to go...

I have this trip I am supposed to be going on this August (7th-17th) to the Philippines. Scott, our missionary there, was home (here) on furlough and kind of put this trip together right before he left to go back. He put forth the idea of doing a one or two day women's seminar and asked me and some others to come do it. I talked today with the only other woman who has committed to going, one of our pastors' wives. She said as far as she is concerned it’s not going to happen. She rightly sees short terms as serving the people who are going rather than those who are being visited (she and her husband were missionaries in a Muslim country for many years). This is true, they generally are for the experience of the team members. I love short terms because often they are a person’s first exposure to cross-cultural ministry. Both her and I have cross-cultural experience already, so that purpose is not being served here. She also really believes that a small team is a waste of money and resources. I disagree; it really depends on the ministry though. In some cases this is true. It might be true in ours. Just her and I, raising all this money to go across the world and do a one-day seminar for women that the missionary ladies there are capable of doing? She might be right in this case. Everyone else who has been asked has said no. We both have been praying for a team, but when Scott left this seemed to go belly-up.

I shared with her that my main purpose in going was to check out the LRF and the ministry there as a possibility for longer term service there. They have a school in which they train Filipinos to be missionaries to the 13 unreached Muslim tribes in this Southern Philippines area! (They just had their very first graduation, for 15 Muslim converts, who will now go into these villages.) Sounds like a great fit, ministry-wise, and Scott really has been wanting me to visit because he wants me there. I guess there is a big need for discipleship for the women. So I think that is more my purpose in going. I’m not going expecting a jolt or a “feeling” that “this is where I’m supposed to be!” I believe that those feelings and a love for the people can grow in time. That field is hard. But I think that most people are not called to a specific place as much as they are called to a ministry. I had hoped to go and see how my gifts fit in with their needs and how I could serve them. I guess that really is my own main purpose of going, beyond the experience and learning I would gain in doing the women’s seminar.

The other factor, of course, is that I will not go long-term to a field like this while single. That is one of the things I believe the Lord spoke to me about in Turkey (more theological training, more boldness in my witness, and being married before I go back out long term). I will not put myself in a situation to be tempted or distracted on the field. I know my weaknesses, and so does God, and I really believe this is a matter of obedience rather than personal preference. So where does that leave me in going on “scouting trips” to see where I fit in with overseas ministries? Hmmm…

So all this to say, I am not sure the Philippines is going to happen. Still praying, and I’m going to email Scott today to let him know where we’re at and see what he says. Kel (pastor) did tell me today that if it looks like it may not happen for lack of a team, he and his wife Sherri would be willing to go. Also he said I don’t have to use my vacation, which is a praise, and that the church is “sending” me (financially??)… Interesting. More to look into. :) I'd appreciate your prayers as we try to get it figured out.

Why am I still learning this??

Yesterday it all hit me at once: The place to live that didn't work out, the lack of money, not being able to afford anything closer to work, etc. After some significant emoting, :) when I got home I found a bill in the mail from Biola for $1015; it appears they are taking away all my grants from this semester and making me pay them back for them!? (I need to call them.) Not a good day. After I got all that out last night, I started today off with an appropriate attitude toward everything going on... There’s peace finally, coming from the knowledge and belief that the Lord has it under control. What a horrible day yesterday. I was praying this morning, repenting of my reaction and attitude yesterday…oh to be so grounded in Him that these things don’t shake me; that I could take these bumps that life hurls and not become so upset and emotional. The reality is things are going to turn out ok, I am very blessed, and I am not going to be out on the street. My emotions are good for nothing except exhaustion and stress… God is in control, God is in control, God is in control. Someone prayed for me yesterday that He would give me a verse to stand on during these times. You know, I don’t need one verse about God’s provision, or faithfulness, or goodness…really when I turn my attention toward who he is in an attitude of genuine praise, that is all I need to stand on. I remember going through the engagement thing how much the Psalms were a comfort to me because they continually extol the Lord in worship and thankfulness. When that is my heart attitude, all other things are in better (proper) perspective too. Why am I still struggling to learn this???

My Worth

In a moment of boredom I found this site today: www.humanforsale.com. I am worth exactly $2,221,976. Is that good or bad??? Please let me know since I plan to base my self esteem and self-worth on this figure.

what color is the pot anyway???

Why do I get upset about things I have no control over? I have come to the realization (actually I came to this conclusion a long time ago, but it seems to be applicable again, and I probably never really learned it in the first place!) that getting mad or upset is the only way I can feel like I have some control over the situation. Today I was reminding a friend to wait on God's timing for something, that it's no use to be upset or anxious about it because it's something that's going to work itself out. An hour later I was pissed about something equally out of my control. Go figure. I've felt angry about a lot of things out of my control lately. Life would be a lot easier and smoother if I could get a handle on that and not feel like I have to do something. I'm sure good at telling others to do that.

"Said the pot to the kettle, get away black-face!"

9.7 miles - Back Bay Loop (Newport Beach)

1 hour, 39 minutes, and one second. This is the farthest I've ever run! I feel great. Except my knees were really bothering me, which concerns me. Usually after about 6 miles they start hurting pretty bad. I fear my half marathon thoughts might just be a pipe dream. But--good run today. :)

more thoughts on clay pots...

Though I tend to see myself as a clay pot that continually becomes "marred" in the potter's hand (of course due to my own flaws, not the Potter's), and while in many ways we are like this image, the great thing is we only had to be remade and formed into a new pot one time. Then the Potter continues to shape us as he sees best. I am grateful that what He sees is different than what we see of ourselves. Say it together: "I am a beautiful pot." :)

three day weekends

That is one thing I'm thankful for about my job, and I don't know how I will EVER be able to work 5 days a week again!!! :) Today Noah and I went to Malibu to get some mountain biking in, laid on the beach for awhile and had some great chowder at Duke's. :) It was gorgeous--almost warm enough to start going to the beach for real!

I caught this bathing beauty reclining on the rocks... LOL:

And some pics from a couple weeks ago at Aliso Viejo with Janell and Noah...

Biker chicks:

This was a half mile of steep hill, I almost made it :)Drink Propel!

woe is me

I'm poor. I don't have enough money to pay my bills. Yes I am tithing. Yes I am doing my best to be financially responsible. yet when you have to start putting basic things such as gas and food on your credit card because you have nothing left in your checking account, and then spend the next couple months paying that off and consequently running out of money the day after payday again...it's depressing. :( I make no money. I am depressed and I think I'll cry about it right now. Probably in the morning when it's not 1 am I'll feel better.

He Loved

It’s Easter this weekend. Yesterday as I scrambled to help get everything into place for the weekend services, I realized that working at a church and being so busy this week because of Easter, I’ve really given no thought at all to Easter!!! The purpose and reason for the day—what?? I just want to get through the weekend!

That disappointed me. This morning in prayer I attempted to remedy that. Our focus is on Jesus’ sacrifice for our gain, as we read through the passion stories in the gospels and maybe even watch the movie…but God brought me back to the source of that sacrifice: His love. It’s all right there in John 3:16 but that’s one of those verses I just rattle off without any consideration. Think about it: God SO LOVED the world. What does that mean? What does that entail?

Lately on my drives to work in the morning my attention has been drawn to the guy on the street corner who has perfected the art of looking so needy and forlorn as he holds his “Need…” sign prominently and avoids my gaze. What does it mean to look at every person in the light that they are part of the world that God loved, in fact, he created that person specifically, loves them immensely, and wants to be in relationship with him? That the person actually bears God’s image? How would I act differently if I valued every person this way?

I don’t…I don’t want to. It’s against my nature! But Jesus’ whole life was service to those he came to save, amidst plenty of opposition and ridicule. In fact, he died for many who hated him.

I pray that in church tomorrow I’m not focused on whether the candles stay lit, or the crosses and lilies are in place, or the service flows smoothly. I pray that my focus really is on Easter and what that means. That God loved the world and gave his Son. And that because of that I can better love the world and give of myself too.

TRI UPDATE!

Monday I did my first triathlon in the gym. My event is June 4 so I want to start doing more of these. Here's how I did:
1/2 mile swim (25:10)
12 mile bike (35:50)
3.1 mile run (29:16)
I can improve ALL of those times (and the bike/run times are better when I do them alone)! I felt really good though (save for the last mile of running when I wanted to rip my legs off. Or just push stop on the treadmill. Who invented those things anyway? And the stationary bike for that matter--I can think of no better way to completely bore oneself to death). This definitely made me more optimistic and excited for my race! There are a couple more that are a little longer, later in the summer, that I am considering as well.
The next goal will be the half marathon in SF July 30. I am up to 8 miles running, about 1:22 (6 miles in 56-58 minutes, 8 in 1:22, that makes no sense. I suppose I am allowed to get tired). It's a good start though. :)

Big Decisions...

At what point is something valuable exceeded by the cost? I had to give up something valuable to me today, but I also had to realize that it is more responsible to say no to something that’s going to be too much than to push through and do it and compromise my other commitments—and ultimately my sanity!!

I am not going to be writing the women’s study for Joshua for next year. After doing Matthew, I realized how much I love to do this, and that I am gifted in this area of writing and helping others study Scripture. I also realized how much work it was. So when Davette and I met today to talk about our timeline for Joshua and when I could have everything finished, she recognized that this might be too much for me. I am grateful; I would not have dreamed to suggest that I couldn’t do it. Not an option for me. I looked with hesitation and a little bit of anxiety to the next 6-7 months, knowing that I would rarely leave my books and computer. I wasn’t sure how I would get it done…but I would. I’m grateful to work with someone who knows I can do it, and that I would do it well, but values me more than for the work I produce for her. Having my finished Joshua curriculum is not worth seeing me overwhelmed and burned out. And there will be other opportunities.

Wow, so it's going to take me a bit to get used to the idea of not doing this. It was kind of hard to let go of, but at the same time it was easy. Noah was talking last night about people who set New Year’s resolutions to work out three times a week; they don’t actually want to work out, they just want to be someone who works out three times a week! It's a little bit like that ... maybe a little I wanted to be a person who writes curriculum rather than actually wanting to write it this time. Realistically, it was probably too much for me to try and take on, though I would have pressed through (and probably suffered for it). I feel good, we both feel like it was the right decision, and since it was technically HER decision, I don't feel bad or like I'm letting anyone down. It still feels really huge to me, I'm kind of in shock. :)

It's official...

I am a Baptist. I had my membership interview last week and am in the process of being "voted in." In my interview, one of the overseers asked, "Now what does a Foursquare girl want to be a member of a Baptist church for?" and I responded, "What does a Baptist church want to hire a Foursquare girl for?" This particular overseer has a similar background as me. "Didn't they teach you not to answer a question with a question?" he asked.

If you know me this is all very humorous. Growing up in a "charismatic" denomination I never thought I would find myself working here! While I am coming to terms with being a BAPTIST :) I definitely know I'm supposed to be here. Before I got this job I could see how important it is to be cross-denominational, but I have gotten over a lot of...for lack of a better word, close-mindedness, here. Baptists are good Christians too. (I'm joking.) It's so much more than a job to me... This is without a doubt the healthiest, most community- and kingdom-conscious, and most effective church I've been a part of. The first place people have put me into ministry utilizing my gifts and taught me how to use them. Happy to now be officially part of things.

As long as they don't mind if I answer the phone in tongues every once in awhile. ;)
(Wow, again, joking! I could get in trouble.)

my first blog

Whew. Here I go... :) With the knowledge that this is to be made public, I share my thoughts and trails.

It's been a crazy few months so I thought maybe I could document some things here. Difficult in terms of devotion, intimacy, and quietness. It's been busy, rushed, and academic.

Blessings: Working with Mike Wilkins on the Matthew notes for the new ESV study Bible, and being paid for it as his research assistant! Unexpectedly going through Matthew again!

Finishing WHBC Matthew curriculum in January, and wrapping up our first year of this format of women's Bible Studies. What a treat to be a part and to learn so much in the process of communicating the truth of scripture and Jesus' kingdom to so many women. Looking forward to moving on to Joshua now!

Teaching has been good, but even better has been the relationships and personal ministry that comes out of my own small group. Some precious girls in there, and God has been gracious to give me the opportunity to get to know some of them better and to even work through some faith things with one. Thankful and humbled by these relationships and the responsibility I've been given to help lead a group. In fact, our group has connected so well that we're going to continue meeting when Matthew's over. It meets a lot of community needs.

Prayer: I've called it "operation soul care" of late...I've been doing so much academic work with Scripture lately that I often lack desire to dive back in devotionally. It feels forced or obligatory sometimes. I long for those times when it's been rich and alive and I craved more time. I think this is something I may always face--really need to learn how to break through when these times come.

I've been so encouraged by Whittier Hills' desire to be a community in the kingdom--how I've so desired to see Christians actually live out the kingdom in their lives (and for me to do this as well!)--and they're getting a handle on what that can look like. I would pray that I can live my life abandoned to the Lord and the kingdom--loving the Lord, being kind to all people, seeking to exhibit Christ in my actions and lifestyle. For some time I've desired to cultivate a life of prayer and intimacy in deeper ways than I've known. I often lack discipline in this area.

It looks as though I'll be moving soon...a prospect that sends chills up and down my spine. Beth and Gil's baby isn't due until October but I may move sooner. Just ONCE I would like to have a smooth experience in finding a living situation. It comes with a significant amount of anxiety for me because of past experiences!

God's good...I've been learning to look at what I have as a gift, rather than things I am entitled to or deserve. I feel so blessed to be in ministry and be learning and growing and maturing in my gifts. I don't know where these "academic" doors that have opened will lead to...been thinking about how it could blend with the other stuff on my heart...